


You Were Always the One I Was Going to Lose

by klauser



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Not A Happy Ending, Pansexual Stanley Uris, Reddie is mentioned cause they’re my favorite ship, Sad Ending, Stan Needs A Hug, Stanley Uris Centric, Stanley Uris Needs a Hug, Stenbrough, Suicide, Unrequited Love, canon compliant death, canon compliant suicide, it’s actually requited but for the sake of the story, my first post and it’s Stenbrough we love that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27868729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klauser/pseuds/klauser
Summary: As Stanley Uris discovers when he’s thirteen years old, falling in love was easy. Being in love was the hard part.
Relationships: Mentioned Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Stanley Uris/Bill Denbrough
Kudos: 16





	You Were Always the One I Was Going to Lose

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This is my first post so here’s some lovely Bill and Stan angst.

Falling in love was easy. Being in love was the hard part. In the case of Stanley Uris, he fell in love hard and fast with his best friend at age thirteen and it was the hardest thing he ever had to go through. Besides the demon clown, of course.

But falling in love with Bill Denbrough was just so easy. He was just so good. He was overflowing with goodness. He was brave, the bravest person that Stan had ever met. Marching into the Neibolt house to demand his baby brother back with little regard for his own safety. Loyal, loyal to a fault at times, unwilling to turn on his friends for any reason whatsoever. Funny, in both his quick-witted responses and his jokes that he would scribble down in that battered old red notebook he would always carry around. His face would always light up then, with that goofy, adorable smile that lifted Stan’s heart every single fucking time. And so many more exclusively beautiful Bill Denbrough attributes that destroyed him from the inside.

Stan never let himself show it. He never let his gaze linger on the boy for a second too long. Never let his first choice be Bill when he was a team captain for one of their baseball games. Never let his eyes swing around to him when someone or other tried to pester him over whether or not he had a crush.

He sometimes wished that he could be Richie. Sure, Richie was in the same boat that he was, to an extent. In love with Eddie Kaspbrak. Glaringly obvious to Stan, his best friend, but hidden to everyone else. He felt horrible for Richie, he did. Forced to hide himself away to fit the mold of what everyone else thought that he should be. Just like Stan. But Richie was different. He allowed himself to be open. Allowed himself to call Eddie those stupid nicknames, made every excuse he could to climb all over him like he was his own personal jungle gym. Plus, Eddie always had his gaze on Richie. Eddie never fell in love with anybody else.

Stan loved Bev. He really did. She was genuine and strong and kind. The kind of person that would get in a fight for you even if she had never met you. She was beautiful. He just never loved her in the way that Bill and Ben always did.

They stared at her in adoration, rather than the admiration from everyone else. Their gazes were more wistful longing than anything else.

But Bev never seemed to pick between the two boys. After all it seemed like she showed preference to Bill, but things seemed to change when Ben kissed her…after all, she and Bill had never kissed. That’s what everyone had thought.

On the day of the blood oath, cradling his hand that was still dripping with fresh blood, Stanley had only walked for a few minutes before getting a nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach. Like something big was about to happen.

Against his better judgement, he turned back. Headed back to their meeting spot and lo and behold. There they were. Bill Denbrough and Beverly Marsh, lips pressed together. Both of their eyes were closed, her hand clasped on the side of his face, blood smearing on his cheek. They looked happy. In love, even.

He had hopelessly stared at them for a few seconds, his heart dropping into his stomach. Coming back into his senses, he had turned right around, heading back through the tall grass, leaving them to their private moment. He tried to blink the tears out of his eyes. But if Bill was happy, he could be happy for him.

Easier said than done.

That night was the only time that he had allowed himself to cry over Bill Denbrough. Sobs wrack his body in gust after gust. His sniffles and wails are muffled by the pillow he’s holding tightly to his face, his curls lightly brushing his cheek…just like the way Bev’s hand had brushed Bill’s. At the end of the night, Stan stared into the mirror and barely recognized his own reflection. His hair mussed up all around his head. His mouth pulled into a frown that didn’t seem to go away. His eyes, red and puffy. Filled with a sadness that could only be achieved through heartbreak.

Things only got harder afterwards. Now, every time Bill would look at him or laugh at one of his quips, head rolling onto his shoulder, he would just imagine how he would look at Beverly. Would it be the same?

After moving away from Derry in his senior year to go to college, forgetting was a slow, process. Memories would slip away one by one until he could barely remember the events of his own childhood.

Point by point, Stanley follows everything that his parents wanted him to do. He goes to college, graduates with good grades, becomes an accountant, falls in love with a girl he meets at a coffee shop.

And he was truly in love with Patty. She was smart and kind and all-around lovely. She kind of reminded him of Bev, a connection that he didn’t make until his memories all come flying back in a single moment. 

His split-second choice to kill himself is almost easy to make. Like it had been a long time in the works.

Stanley Uris climbs into the bath where he would spend his last moments and closes his eyes. The memory of thirteen-year-old Bill Denbrough stares back at him.

That wasn’t shocking. Stan had closed his eyes and tried to relive that moment countless times over his childhood. The way that Bill’s eyes had bored into his with that strong but gentle stare. The way he had gripped Stan’s hand as he pulled the jagged piece of glass through it. The way that his eyes crinkled a little in sympathy when he saw Stan’s pain. And now he was about to break that promise. He had sworn to come back if Pennywise was still alive and he wasn’t following through.

Stan had hoped desperately that the other members of the Losers club wouldn’t hate him too much. He wasn’t doing it out of spite or depression or even fear. It was for them. Hopefully, they would understand once they read his letter. Hopefully, they would realize how much he loved all of them.

Beverly, with her strength and bravery that kept the group together. Eddie, who protected them all from the slightest bit of danger. Mike, who stood by everyone’s side no matter what. Ben, loving Ben, who never meant a bit of ill harm to anybody. Richie, who always tried to make him laugh, despite the fact that he was broken too.

Bill. Fucking Bill. The leader of their pack, the one all of them would go to for comfort. The boy that had dragged them all into the sewers, yet never stopped protecting his friends. The boy that would help them with their writing assignments as he waited to giddily present his own. The boy that had never once stopped trying to work past his damned stutter. The boy that looked so beautiful riding the bike that he had lovingly dubbed Silver.

The bravest, smartest, funniest, kindest, most creative, and overall best person that Stan had ever met. And now he was never going to see those eyes that stared into his again.

Everything starts going hazy. Like his life is draining out of him.

Stanley opens his mouth and whispers his last words. “I swear, Bill.” I swear I’ll always love you.

A tear slowly trails down his cheek. Maybe he had let himself cry over Bill Denbrough twice.


End file.
